wallowing

sadness is a streetlamp flickering out at the end of the path, sadness is a trigger for the buried childhood dreams stillborn in my belly, sadness is church bells and virgin marys and hallelujahs and youth group and bibles bibles bibles, sadness is the metallic tang in the back of my throat on the last day i feel sick, and i suck that feeling down with bathwater in my gin

sinners

i never had faith before you
i lost all of it
in your white mustang blocks
away from my grandparents house and
you told me you
fucked someone else
and i can taste the salt on your
skin, you asked me if you
could hold me one more time

and i let you

you cried into my hair and
i was sticky, i’m in the
cool bathwater now reading
plath and wondering
what it’s like to disappear, if i
could step off a train into –
but i know matter
cannot be created nor destroyed
and my matter
splattered on the front of
a metro bus won’t make you into

a faithful fiance,
me into a trophy wife,
or god any more real

it would just make me dead

Eviction

the only thing my mom misses about you

is exactly what I miss about you, too

I don’t wish for things to be

the way they were, but I’m allowed

to miss you, right?

I’m allowed to grieve for you, to want for

the things you gave me after all this time

I’ve been on and off my meds lately

and I guess that’s where this is coming from

thw part of me I tried to suffocate and leave

behind when you left me

but it’s the only thing that makes me

want to write poetry, the grief

the pain that dug so deep and scarred over

new skin stretched over old skin and

wouldnt’t it be nice to see your face again?

But every old album on social media

memories remind me of why you weren’t

the one for me and why the one that comes

after is always a better one,

but are they the one

that comes and picks me up when it’s

too dark to walk home,

when the bus forgets to stop or when my

money runs too low or I read the wrong

times and I’m not sure how many calls I

made to you to help me out,

but you always did in the end

I know I can’t compare them all to you

but you were my first, and how

pathetic am I? To remember you,

to give you a poem after all the shit

you put me through,

what did I do to offer you

a permanent home inside me

that you never walked out of?

What precident did you set,

what scars are you forcing me to carve

on all the men that try to burrow in?

This is your final eviction notice,

within 3 days time, remove

every piece of you still attached

to the crevices of my being

and never even speak a syllable

resembling my name again

and this is a promise

that I’m renovating myself

and out front on my new lawn

a sign says,

“I’m open,

come on in.”

13

Months have passed and turned
to years, and suddenly a man I
knew so well is now a man some
girl knows better, and well, I
saw him not that long ago and
I’m pretty sure he knew my face and
when you see a man you knew
holding up the girl who now knows
that man on his shoulders, laughing
like there wasn’t a care in the world, like
he didn’t break some girl’s heart
months and months and months ago, like
that man never took a girl’s soul and
pierced it straight through until
a hole became infected and stitched over,
internally bruised and blood drenched and like
he had changed, but a man like that
could never change, and now that girl
who knows that man better, doesn’t know
how freeing it truly feels to be
rid of that man, to be truly
loved by herself, because that man she
thinks she knows is no lover
she deserves

loving new

give me your undivided attention
your eyes your mouth your ears, give
your reasons your excuses your pathetic
avenues, twisting yourself out of
all, giving me lie after calculated truth
give me your undivided affection
your fingertips your elbows your blood and
curve, isn’t that what you’ve always
longed for, a way to breathe into someone
else and give them a glimpse of you, give me
a peek of you unadulterated, a part of you you’ve
never wanted, give me the sharp parts you’ve
forgotten and buried shallow, give me your soft edges
let’s break
them wide open, give me and take
from me, take what I’ve always wanted to build, take
from me the memories I can’t say with certainty
without wondering where we all and it all began
give me your empty and I’ll fill it ever full with
my regrets and my glass body, so easy to crack
I’ll give you my undivided
isn’t that what they’ve
told us, they’ve always
told us

lying on the beach at night

I breathed him in,

the smell of him mixing

with the salt of the sea

the chill of the night

the warmth of the sand.

and it was his arms that held me

as I rested my head

into the nook where his arm

meets his chest,

and I held him back,

he the buoy that saves

the swimmers life,

he the lighthouse when

the storm is raging,

he the song of the gull

in the early morning,

he the fire that

lights me.

Dust

Let us pretend we’re children once again

and with bare feet explore the world anew,

unaware of war or death or pain;

belonging to the Earth’s so lucky few.

We feel the sprinkling rain caress our skin,

the tears of gods and goddesses above

they witness the rebirth of Roman kin –

we now are Mars and Venus, bound by love.

You hold me close as if I’ll float away,

our toes do touch and everything is right;

Forever in your arms now will I stay,

your princess of the dawn, the day, the night.

We fight, we scream, we cry, we kiss, we love –

until the very end we turn to dust.

I told no one

To put it bluntly,

She was a cutter,

Running razors across

Her milky white wrists,

Blood dripping down, down,

And it soothed her.

She showed me

Her scars with

Frightened does’ eyes.

I told no one.

She called me in the early morning

To calm her down

Each time she

Slit her pretty skin to bits.

She covered up like it was

Going to snow in springtime

And sobbed into my shoulder,

Body heaving,

Horrible coughs escaping

From her exhausted body.

I carried her on my back,

I whispered words of solace:

I’m here.

I’m here.

I told no one.

She thought about death

Every day,

Telling me she was trapped.

And I could see her,

In a prison she built herself,

Iron bars locking her away

From all she loved.

She held the key in her hand

But she gripped it so tightly

It cut into her skin

To bleed around her feet.

And I, still, told no one.

She was wasting away

Like  a maggot-covered skeleton

Of a body buried alive.

She smiled but her eyes were

Dead.

She talked but said

Nothing.

She saw but she was lost in her

Thoughts.

I told no one.

One day I gripped her sweaty palm

And led her into the office halls

To the door marked counselor.

I lied to her,

Telling her that

No one would find out

When I already knew

They had called her parents.

I, still, held her hand,

As she shook and wept

Before the woman who

Was paid to pretend she cared.

The woman explained she

Made a phone call,

Parents notified,

On their way.

She collapsed into me,

Gripping me tightly.

All I could do was hold her.

And then she changed.

Under a therapist’s guiding hand, she

Gulped down

Artificial happiness in

The form of a pill.

She smiled too wide

She talked too fast

She laughed too often

She skipped instead of walked

She told everyone who

Would listen

About what happened

She was too happy.

And I couldn’t handle

Her, this fake,

Pill-popping,

Skipping,

Giggling,

Monster of

Her former self.

I drew away

Unsure of why;

I couldn’t be around her.

She sickened me.

I told no one.

As I drifted away

More and more from

Her life, she,

Likewise,

Chased after me frantically

Scared she would lose me

As if, if I were gone,

She’d drown in the

Deep waters lapping at

Her floating body.

Being her life-boat meant

I couldn’t live myself;

All that I ever did was for

Her

All that I ever said was for

Her

I couldn’t handle anymore of

Her

So I broke apart from

Her.

She became obsessed with me.

Sent me constant texts

Hoping I’d respond.

I never did.

I stopped telling her that

“I loved her”

And it hurt her.

But, I,

I didn’t feel anything.

I told no one.

After that I started to feel very

Different and

Alone and

Maybe drowning, too

In darker waters

So much darker.

They consumed me from the inside out

They soaked my

Brain with

Thoughts of

Swallowing pills

And falling into

An eternal

Sleep.

And

I

Told

No

One.

I broke.

I realized that

I had always been pretending

That I was happy

So that others

Could be happy, too.

I tried to be

Strong,

But I broke and

My clothes were soaked in

Tear-stains and

The scent of

Death that

Followed me.

And I told no one

Until the day

It was too strong;

The monster in my brain

that dragged me into

the dark waters

left me

gasping

and gasping for

air and I

screamed at

the top of my

lungs and I

was beginning to

slip and then a

hand caught

me and

held me

and I told them

everything.