sadness is a streetlamp flickering out at the end of the path, sadness is a trigger for the buried childhood dreams stillborn in my belly, sadness is church bells and virgin marys and hallelujahs and youth group and bibles bibles bibles, sadness is the metallic tang in the back of my throat on the last day i feel sick, and i suck that feeling down with bathwater in my gin
i never had faith before you
i lost all of it
in your white mustang blocks
away from my grandparents house and
you told me you
fucked someone else
and i can taste the salt on your
skin, you asked me if you
could hold me one more time
and i let you
you cried into my hair and
i was sticky, i’m in the
cool bathwater now reading
plath and wondering
what it’s like to disappear, if i
could step off a train into –
but i know matter
cannot be created nor destroyed
and my matter
splattered on the front of
a metro bus won’t make you into
a faithful fiance,
me into a trophy wife,
or god any more real
it would just make me dead
the only thing my mom misses about you
is exactly what I miss about you, too
I don’t wish for things to be
the way they were, but I’m allowed
to miss you, right?
I’m allowed to grieve for you, to want for
the things you gave me after all this time
I’ve been on and off my meds lately
and I guess that’s where this is coming from
thw part of me I tried to suffocate and leave
behind when you left me
but it’s the only thing that makes me
want to write poetry, the grief
the pain that dug so deep and scarred over
new skin stretched over old skin and
wouldnt’t it be nice to see your face again?
But every old album on social media
memories remind me of why you weren’t
the one for me and why the one that comes
after is always a better one,
but are they the one
that comes and picks me up when it’s
too dark to walk home,
when the bus forgets to stop or when my
money runs too low or I read the wrong
times and I’m not sure how many calls I
made to you to help me out,
but you always did in the end
I know I can’t compare them all to you
but you were my first, and how
pathetic am I? To remember you,
to give you a poem after all the shit
you put me through,
what did I do to offer you
a permanent home inside me
that you never walked out of?
What precident did you set,
what scars are you forcing me to carve
on all the men that try to burrow in?
This is your final eviction notice,
within 3 days time, remove
every piece of you still attached
to the crevices of my being
and never even speak a syllable
resembling my name again
and this is a promise
that I’m renovating myself
and out front on my new lawn
a sign says,
come on in.”
Months have passed and turned
to years, and suddenly a man I
knew so well is now a man some
girl knows better, and well, I
saw him not that long ago and
I’m pretty sure he knew my face and
when you see a man you knew
holding up the girl who now knows
that man on his shoulders, laughing
like there wasn’t a care in the world, like
he didn’t break some girl’s heart
months and months and months ago, like
that man never took a girl’s soul and
pierced it straight through until
a hole became infected and stitched over,
internally bruised and blood drenched and like
he had changed, but a man like that
could never change, and now that girl
who knows that man better, doesn’t know
how freeing it truly feels to be
rid of that man, to be truly
loved by herself, because that man she
thinks she knows is no lover
give me your undivided attention
your eyes your mouth your ears, give
your reasons your excuses your pathetic
avenues, twisting yourself out of
all, giving me lie after calculated truth
give me your undivided affection
your fingertips your elbows your blood and
curve, isn’t that what you’ve always
longed for, a way to breathe into someone
else and give them a glimpse of you, give me
a peek of you unadulterated, a part of you you’ve
never wanted, give me the sharp parts you’ve
forgotten and buried shallow, give me your soft edges
them wide open, give me and take
from me, take what I’ve always wanted to build, take
from me the memories I can’t say with certainty
without wondering where we all and it all began
give me your empty and I’ll fill it ever full with
my regrets and my glass body, so easy to crack
I’ll give you my undivided
isn’t that what they’ve
told us, they’ve always
Let us pretend we’re children once again
and with bare feet explore the world anew,
unaware of war or death or pain;
belonging to the Earth’s so lucky few.
We feel the sprinkling rain caress our skin,
the tears of gods and goddesses above
they witness the rebirth of Roman kin –
we now are Mars and Venus, bound by love.
You hold me close as if I’ll float away,
our toes do touch and everything is right;
Forever in your arms now will I stay,
your princess of the dawn, the day, the night.
We fight, we scream, we cry, we kiss, we love –
until the very end we turn to dust.
To put it bluntly,
She was a cutter,
Running razors across
Her milky white wrists,
Blood dripping down, down,
And it soothed her.
She showed me
Her scars with
Frightened does’ eyes.
I told no one.
She called me in the early morning
To calm her down
Each time she
Slit her pretty skin to bits.
She covered up like it was
Going to snow in springtime
And sobbed into my shoulder,
Horrible coughs escaping
From her exhausted body.
I carried her on my back,
I whispered words of solace:
I told no one.
She thought about death
Telling me she was trapped.
And I could see her,
In a prison she built herself,
Iron bars locking her away
From all she loved.
She held the key in her hand
But she gripped it so tightly
It cut into her skin
To bleed around her feet.
And I, still, told no one.
She was wasting away
Like a maggot-covered skeleton
Of a body buried alive.
She smiled but her eyes were
She talked but said
She saw but she was lost in her
I told no one.
One day I gripped her sweaty palm
And led her into the office halls
To the door marked counselor.
I lied to her,
Telling her that
No one would find out
When I already knew
They had called her parents.
I, still, held her hand,
As she shook and wept
Before the woman who
Was paid to pretend she cared.
The woman explained she
Made a phone call,
On their way.
She collapsed into me,
Gripping me tightly.
All I could do was hold her.
And then she changed.
Under a therapist’s guiding hand, she
Artificial happiness in
The form of a pill.
She smiled too wide
She talked too fast
She laughed too often
She skipped instead of walked
She told everyone who
About what happened
She was too happy.
And I couldn’t handle
Her, this fake,
Her former self.
I drew away
Unsure of why;
I couldn’t be around her.
She sickened me.
I told no one.
As I drifted away
More and more from
Her life, she,
Chased after me frantically
Scared she would lose me
As if, if I were gone,
She’d drown in the
Deep waters lapping at
Her floating body.
Being her life-boat meant
I couldn’t live myself;
All that I ever did was for
All that I ever said was for
I couldn’t handle anymore of
So I broke apart from
She became obsessed with me.
Sent me constant texts
Hoping I’d respond.
I never did.
I stopped telling her that
“I loved her”
And it hurt her.
I didn’t feel anything.
I told no one.
After that I started to feel very
Maybe drowning, too
In darker waters
So much darker.
They consumed me from the inside out
They soaked my
And falling into
I realized that
I had always been pretending
That I was happy
So that others
Could be happy, too.
I tried to be
But I broke and
My clothes were soaked in
The scent of
And I told no one
Until the day
It was too strong;
The monster in my brain
that dragged me into
the dark waters
and gasping for
air and I
the top of my
lungs and I
was beginning to
slip and then a
and I told them